A Mass of Thieves
by lil abarai
Summary: "There are those who steal to enrich their lives and those who steal to define their lives." However, that's not true. What if you steal to live? That's what I had to do. But at least i dont have to do it alone. Pre-game SI. Kasumi/Keiji SI/OC
1. Crash Landing

**Greetings inhabitants of the internet! Clichéd SI's got you down? Mary-sue's overrunning fanfiction? Looking for something out of the ordinary? WELL LOOK NO FURTHER! I have no way of telling how good this will turn out, but I've been wanting to write an SI for some time and I'm also annoyed with all the habits people tend to fall into (date the quarian, steal the spotlight. Etc.). So here's a story that I'm 99.99% sure hasn't been done yet. It'll take a few chapters to get into the actual plotline, but trust me, you'll like it. (I hope)**

**I would also like to thank Herr Wozzeck and iNf3ctioNZ for writing amazing stories that have inspired me to start writing this.**

**And now the part I hate, so listen up, I'm only gonna say it once. I DO NOT OWN MASS EFFECT OR ANY OF THE BANDS, TELEVISION SHOWS, MOVIES, BOOKS, AND OTHER THINGS THAT I MAY REFERENCE.**

**And with that out of the way, please enjoy!**

I sit on the edge of my bed in my bedroom, eyes glued to the television, and an Xbox controller grasped firmly in my hands. On the TV, are the words "Critical Mission Fail". Normally, if I'm even close to death in a video game, I start to lose it, but I had seen that screen so many times in the last few days that it's now permanently etched in my brain.

For the past week, I had been trying to win a bet with my friend, saying I could beat both Mass Effect games on insanity before he could. We were tied about three days ago, but who knows how far he's gotten since then.

I feel my phone vibrate and when I open it up, I see that a picture was sent to me.

**Achievement unlocked: Insanity-75GS**

"God dang it!" I say out loud. "That's fifty bucks I'll never get back." I chuck the controller at the ground, not caring if it breaks or not, and turn off my Xbox.

An entire week, wasted, and now I was out fifty bucks. Only one thing can help at a time like this.

I press the play button on my IPod, which is already in the dock, and it starts to play "Survive" by Rise Against.

So much better.

I fall back onto my bed and begin to air guitar as I forget about the world around me.

It really is amazing what a bit of hard rock and heavy metal can do. I could honestly listen to this stuff for days on end. It seriously annoys me that a lot of people only focus on the satanic screaming that most of these bands tend to do, because a lot of them have beautiful lyrics. Then again, I guess I'm the only one who pays attention to that.

While I actually listen to what people are saying, everyone else I know just listens to the music and if it's catchy enough, they start singing it. This annoys me to no end, mostly because the people who make these so-called "catchy songs" have no talent whatsoever. Case in point, Justin Beiber, Ke$ha, and almost every rapper on the planet.

My phone vibrates again, snapping me out of my music induced coma.

"_Hey *****.Let me guess, you saw my picture, rage quit, and now your air guitaring to Day to Remember."_

I can't help but smirk. He knows me so well.

"_Actually it's Rise against. And stop calling me *****. For the thousandth time, it's Parker."_

I swear he does that just to annoy me. Everyone else calls me by my last name, why can't he?

"_Whatever *****. Still, I expect the 50 bucks on my desk tomorrow."_

"_You do realize tomorrow's a Sunday, right?"_

"_So?"_

I roll my eyes in annoyance. "_You're an idiot."_

"_Ugh, your words! They hurt me so!"_

"_Good bye, Brett"_

I shut off my phone before he has any time to react. Normally I contribute to his odd sense of humor, but I honestly wasn't in the mood right now. The song ends and I shut off my IPod.

Not having anything else to do, I switch the input on my television and start channel surfing.

Family guy? Nah.

South Park? How is that any different?

How I Met Your Mother? SPARE ME!

I finally stop when I hear a familiar monologue.

"_Sometimes bad guys, make the best good guys."_

Leverage? SCORE! Honestly, I don't know why more people don't watch this show.

As the credits dissolve I see that it's one of my favorite episodes, so I lean back and enjoy.

* * *

><p>It's about a half hour later, now. The only light in my room was coming from the tv and the smell of melted butter filled the room. I had gotten a bowl full of popcorn during the commercials and after having a few handfulls I was now wishing that I was smart enough to remember a drink. I shrug apathetically as the show comes back on and it shows Parker, the thief, in a flight attendent uniform.<p>

"_In the event of a water landing, your seat may be used as a floatation device, but lets face it, if we were to crash into the ocean the impact would most likely kill you…"_

I smirk at this. Parker was always my favorite character on the show, and not just because we share the name.

"_Please take this time to locate the emergency exits closest to you, because if this plane catches fire, you'll wanna get out, remember, jet fuel burns at 1000 degr"_

*BOOM*

Out of nowhere, a deafening sound reverberates through the house, causing me to flinch so hard that I slip off of my bed. Popcorn spills everywhere and continues to shake on the floor as the house vibrates.

As I try to get up, my blanket warps around my feet and I slip back down to the ground.

"What the hell was that!" I hear my mom scream from her room.

Breaking free from my cloth prison, I scramble to my feet and yank open the door, stepping out into what used to be the upstairs hallway. Bits of broken glass and splintered wood litter the floor and I try my best not to cut my feet. However that soon becomes the least of my worries.

Somehow, the fact that there is a car sized hole in the roof and floor dividing the hallway into two halves is slightly more unsettling. Unfortunately, the rest of my family is on the side that didn't have any stairs.

My dad comes bursting out of his room with his baseball bat held high above his head and my mom cowering behind him in fear. I shake my head in disbelief.

"Dad," I ask, "What the heck is that for?"

He shrugs his shoulders. "I don't know, in case it was a burglar or something."

I resist the urge to facepalm. "Dad, burglars break open windows, they don't drop a God damn bomb through the roof!" Honestly, I love my dad, but he really needs to think every now and then.

"Oh, be quiet you two, this is hardly the time." My mother says as she yanks my dad's bat out of his hands. "Now, *****, go call 911."

As always, my mother is the voice of reason. I slip back into my room to put on my gym shoes and navigate across the debris filled hallway.

I turn the corner down the stairs and head for my kitchen. Upon entry, I immediately freeze as I see what crashed into our house.

"How the hell…" I begin to say, but find that the words were stuck in my throat. Standing erect in a 6 foot deep crater is a large metallic pillar.

It looks kind of like…no…no Parker, it's your imagination. You've been playing too much Mass Effect.

Shaking off my initial fear, I ignore the oddly shaped meteorite and climb through the crater, heading for the phone on the other side of the room.

As I pass the giant mass sticking out of the ground, something catches my attention. My eyes widen at the sudden realization. It was faint, but whatever this thing was, was giving off some sort of odd glow.

I think about what to do for a moment, and then curiosity gets the better of me. I reach out my hand to touch it. Biggest fucking mistake of my life.

I barely even graze it with the tip of my finger before I get punched in the chest by an unseen force. My head begins to go numb as my body hovers above the ground. I try my best to break free of the invisible hold, but my limbs refuse to move. However, I don't stay there for long. There is a bright flash of light as I am thrown back from the pillar and sent crashing through the wall.

* * *

><p>I land on my head, somersaulting out of control until I'm finally stopped by some large metal thing.<p>

I wrap my arms around my head and tuck it into my knees, trying to relieve some of the pain, but it has little effect. My vision starts to blur, most likely from some sort of head injury and I begin to feel dizzy.

I hear someone approach me followed by a female voice.

"Hey, are you OK? That looked like it hurt."

"No, Mom, I am most definitely NOT ok." I say with a bit more venom then I intended.

"Wow, you must have hit your head REALLY hard. Do I look your mother to your mother to you.

"Wait… what?" I say, my vision finally returning to me. To my astonishment, my house is nowhere in sight. Instead, I am in some alleyway with metallic walls, but that's nowhere near as alarming as the people inside of it.

Kneeling over me is a turian, an asari, and what I'm guessing was their child. The turian speaks next. "Wait, what's that thing that humans do?...Oh yeah."

He holds up his hand...talon...thing...whatever...in front of me and asks very slowly. "Can you tell me how many fingers I'm holding up?"

My body begins to shake uncontrollably. What the fuck is going on? "I…I…I"

"Mommy, is he ok? He's all shaky and weird." The child says.

The asari leans to whisper to the turian. "Do you think he's having a seizure or something?"

"I don't know. Should we take him to the hospital?"

Not thinking about what I'm doing, I fumble to my feet, push past the three of them and charge towards the exit. Second biggest mistake of my life.

The alley opens up into a place that I know all too well.

turians, asari, salarians, hanar, krogan, omni-tools, public terminals, flying cars, rapid transit posts, elcor, and holograms are just some of the things that I can say without a doubt, SHOULDN'T EXIST! Yet, there's no denying it…I'm on the Citadel.

I can't tell if it's the magnitude of my situation, or the massive concussion I probably have, but my legs go weak and I fall against the alley wall.

Having nothing else to say, I blurt out the first words that come to mind.

"SHIT THE FUCK!"

**And thus we have our prologue. So…how'd I do? This is one of the first times I've posted anything online so feedback would be greatly appreciated. If you liked it, I'll be cranking out the next chapter fairly soon, but for now, this is a good start…I hope…**


	2. Epic Fail for The Win

_**Beginning transmission**_

**Hi, sorry this is a short chapter but the next one will be REALLY long, I promise. Also, because I'm a bit forgetful, I completely forgot to give credit to someone important in the last chapter.**

**I would like to thank Namtro Sinned, my cousin/co-writer/beta-reader, who has agreed to help me with this. If you have time you should take a look at his self-insert as well.**

**And I know I said I hate these things, and I doubt I'm going to get sued for not having this, but I have a feeling it needs to be said. So, although I make references to both Serena Lavargus and Ian Shaw I do not own them and they do not make appearances in this story. They belong to M-Angel 05 and iNf3ctioNZ respectively.**

**Anyways, on with the show!**

I awaken as the krogan bouncer punches the back of my chair. Not having quick enough reflexes, I fall out of my seat and land on my ass. I shake my head a bit to wake myself up and the bouncer leans over me with a look of pure hatred in his eyes.

"Chora's Den is closed, human. Now get out."

I open my mouth to protest, but quickly remember what species I'm talking to and promptly shut it. Wordlessly, I stand up and quickly slip out the door. I take a look around the area, noticing the evident lack of people. _How long was I out?...Whatever, not like it matters._

Shoving my hands deep in my pockets, I apathetically walk down a random pathway. I don't know where I'm going, but considering I don't have a place to go TO, I can't see how that matters.

I turn down a hallway and for some reason, it looks very familiar. My heart sinks as I remember why. It's the place where Shepard saved Tali from those thugs, or rather, WILL save her.

Earlier, I had planned to take a tip from most self-inserts and try to rescue a squadmate to get on Shepard's crew. So, thinking I was doing the smart thing, I went and traded my cell phone for a pistol. Not just any pistol either, a Raikou V, which, as I remember, is pretty damn good.

I was all excited, thinking I would get a chance to live out my favorite video game, never considering the possibility that I might not be in the same time period. My perfect plan shattered to peaces when a public terminal told me the date.

March, 31, 2179, in other words, four years before I'd need to be shooting anything. After that, I only had a few ideas, and none of them were good.

I could go the way of Serena Lavargus and try to get a kind stranger to let me stay with them. However, being realistic here, that probably won't happen. Not saying that it couldn't, but honestly, who would you rather take in. A girl in her twenties wearing a nightgown, looking lost and confused, or an oversized teenager wearing sweatpants and a hoodie while looking really pissed off. In case you can't see the difference, one looks innocent, while the other looks like an angry thug. Seriously, at this point, I had a better chance of being picked up by the police, which was an option I wasn't completely declining at this point.

Going right down the list of self-inserts, I searched my name at a public terminal to see if anything came up. But alas, Bloody Mary had not given me a job at C-Sec...

Any chance of me finding a squad member was out the window, as I have no clue where any of them are. Well, except for Garrus, and while he may be nice enough to room with a fellow officer, I doubt he would take kindly to a homeless guy wanting to stay with him.

So, that ruins any ideas from fanfiction and I'm left with my own wit…not good.

My only remotely good option left was finding a job and continuing on with my life, but I can't do that either because I don't fucking exist here! Even minimum wage jobs want some sort of ID or history of their employees, I have NOTHING!

I might be able to sign up for the military, but I doubt it, once again, due to a lack of my existence.

My last option that doesn't involve death is go to jail. At least then I'd have some sort of shelter. Still, not a good alternative, so that's my last resort. I want to at least try and do something that doesn't involve being locked up.

Possibly the only good thing I've learned in my brief time here is that it's quite easy to swipe things off of the heavily inebriated, so Chora's Den is a good source for food and water (Or, more commonly, alcohol). Me being a light weight, underage drinker, I passed out after sneaking a few shots of whisky. Next thing I know, I'm being punched by a Krogan. Still it's a hell of a lot better than jail

I at least have my food problem under control, so long as I stay away from certain drinks. I still need a place to live, though. I mean, hell, don't they arrest people for vagrancy here? That's kind of what I'm trying to avoid.

I suppose I could go the opposite direction with all this and try to end up on Purgatory with Jack. At least then I could try and get Shepard to take me with her. Yet, I could never bring myself to kill an innocent person. Not that I could kill an evil person either, but regardless, it wasn't an option.

After much contemplation, I come to the conclusion that I'm screwed. Finding myself much more depressed than I already was, I turn around and go back. Again, it's not like I have anywhere to go, so I might as well just stay outside Chora's Den until it opens again.

I turn the corner back into the familiar corridor and lean against the wall. It is only then that I notice a man trying to open the door to the strip club.

I open my mouth to tell him it's closed, but as soon as I do, the door slides open and the krogan lets him inside.

_What the heck…that bastard lied to me._

I stepped towards the door, which was still wide open, planning to give that asshole a piece of my mind, but I stop myself when I hear them talking.

"You're sure about this?" The man whispers, obviously worried about something.

"Relax human." The krogan reassures, "George Hadley is expecting extra security guards for his party. You won't be noticed at all, in fact, that painting practically steals itself, just use the stuff I gave you and review the info on you omni-tool. It's that simple."

_Wait…what? Painting…Security…Party…are they talking about robbing a museum or something?_

"Alright, if you say so. I'll contact you when the job is done."

_Oh Shit!_

Quickly realizing I'm in the wrong place at the wrong time, I jump back from the door and dive behind the railing, praying to God neither of them come this way.

I hear footsteps as the man exits the club, but then they abruptly stop. Soon after, the door closes and beeps, signifying that it's locked.

Gaining a bit of courage, I pear over the railing to find that the man was now carrying a large duffle bag and fiddling with his omni-tool. Breathing a quiet sigh of relief, I sit down. At least he's not on the same path I'm on. I just have to wait until he starts moving again and then sneak around the corner when he exits. Catastrophe averted.

I wait for him to start walking again, but minutes fly by without him even moving an inch. Was he reading all that info HERE? If so, then he had to be the worst thief on the planet…er…space station. That's like walking around with marijuana hanging out of your pocket, it's just asking for trouble. The only knowledge I have of thieving is from crime-dramas, but even I knew better than to do that.

All of the sudden, a light bulb goes on in my head. _Could I…no…no no no, stupid idea Parker, VERY STUPID IDEA...and yet…_

I weigh the options over in my head, thinking of the pros and cons. If I get caught doing this, I go to jail, but I'm likely to end up there anyways. Hell, if this idiot could do it, then I could. I mean, it's not like I'd be making a habit of it, I just need enough credits to get myself going and I'm sure I can find some sort of legal work. If I get caught…well…that'll at least give me a place to live.

My mind made up, I take my pistol off of its magnetic clip and begin sneaking around the corner.

Walking carefully, as not to make any noise, I tip toe behind him and start to raise the gun. As the barrel nears his head my hand starts shake violently and I realize that I don't have the balls to actually pull the trigger.

_Ok, plan B, pistol whip._ I flip the gun around in my hand so that I'm holding the barrel and wind up to take a swing at his head. Completely forgetting where I am, I start to take a deep breath to calm myself. My free hand flies up to my mouth to try to correct my mistake, but the damage is done. The man whirls around with a startled yelp and jumps back in surprise. Tripping over his own feet, his head bangs into the railing. He falls to the floor with a thud and his body goes limp.

I instinctively look around to see if anyone saw that, and seeing the coast is clear, I bend over to check his pulse. It's slow, but still there. I lean against the railing as I try to comprehend what the hell just happened. _Was that an epic fail…or an epic win? Or…an epic fail FOR the win?_

I quickly snap out of my thoughts, deciding not to count my blessings. Lifting the duffel bag over my shoulder, I slip the omni-tool off his wrist and get the hell out of there, leaving the unconscious thief on the ground.

**Ok, we're starting to get into the story now, I promise from now on the chapters will be a bit longer than these.**

**Also, just to make it clear, I wasn't making fun of either of the characters that I referenced. I love their stories and if you haven't read them already you should definitely check them out.**

**That is all, lil abarai, signing out**

_**Ending transmission**_


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